Today I wanted to respond to a comment that a reader left about letting her guard down.
She wrote, “Every time a man gets too close I find a reason to push him away, fearing that if I let my guard down I will be hurt again. Can I ever love anyone again?
All of us have a little voice in the back of our head along with a feeling in our gut that warns us if we may be in danger, these warnings are what keep us safe.
Many women (myself included) have a hard time letting our guard down because of a violent and traumatic past. While this is normal, we end up being afraid to trust our gut as we are worried that if we make the wrong decision we won’t be able to escape if things go wrong.
While abuse is never our fault, deep down many women (again, myself included) believe they are in some way responsible for their past, true or not, it embeds us with a belief that we should have seen the signs and walked away earlier. This belief causes us to doubt any potential love that may come into our life.
This belief causes us to doubt our decisions which keeps us from allowing more meaningful relationships into our lives.
I had wanted out of the abusive relationship I had been in for years, but every time I physically got to the front door I was literally dragged back in, so for that, I feared ever opening the door to my heart again.
It had taken me such a long time to be able to look myself in the mirror and feel good about myself, to this day I still struggle to heal from my past. The thought of allowing love back into my life seemed like the last thing on my mind.
Don’t get me wrong, I was lonely, but I preferred to be alone because it was safer than choosing the wrong man.
It took being alone and celibate for ten years (that is a post on its own) for me to feel whole and confident I could make the right decisions when it came to allowing love back into my life.
I had a belief that because I had loved such a horrible man that I was destined to repeat this warped sense of love again.
This question reminded me that I was no different than her, even after meeting a wonderful man it took years for me to feel safe enough to even consider letting my guard down and allowing myself to love again.
It was not perfect or easy when I finally felt that this man could be the one, my old beliefs that I would allow the wrong man back into my life the wrong man into my life crept in. Honestly, it felt like being alone was easier and safer, but at what cost?
I spent enough time alone to be able to stand on my own two feet, I wanted to be with this man to love and be loved, that was it.
I always encourage women to stay alone for at least a year at a minimum after suffering abuse or a bad break up, this allows you time to start the healing journey (you may be healing the rest of your life) and spend time alone. I didn’t have the luxury to step back and look at my life during the abuse as I was surviving moment to moment.
Being alone was very new to me and it was pretty freaking scary. I worked full time so it was not that I couldn’t take care of myself financially, it was that during this toxic relationship I was never allowed to stand on my own so I had come to doubt every word that came out of my mouth. I was in a loop of second-guessing everything I said and did.
This time alone helped me learn what self-esteem was I didn’t even know what self-esteem was or that I was lacking until I had this time completely to myself.
Staying alone on purpose allows you the clarity you would never have otherwise as you are not worrying about what your partner thinks and wants or what they need from you.
Well, come to find out, I wasn’t completely whole again because I couldn’t let my guard down, even for the love of my life.
Don’t get me wrong, sometimes your gut is letting you know that this is the wrong man for you, but I am talking about when you feel certain that this man is for you, he respects you, adores you and you have no fear of him and only desire to be with him, this is the man that you let your guard down for, but only when you are ready.
For me the fear of my past and him finding out who the real me was kept me from telling the man I am with now that I loved him. We had been seeing each other for over a year and it was as if I couldn’t keep it inside anymore, I needed him to know how I felt. I was finally ready to risk letting this man really know me.
He felt the same way and we lived happily ever after, not.
The number one, “must,” on my list of what I had to have in a mate was feeling safe. Trust me, this feeling of safety I have now after being together 10 years did not happen overnight, for years I feared that if he really knew my past and that I felt broken inside, he would somehow love me less.
While I tried to keep my past to myself little by little it trickled out. When I told him I was celibate for 10 years and had not been with anyone since my husband, I am sure that was a sign.
Anytime we would watch a movie where there was any abuse and violence I would tear up.
To God awful nightmares he would wake me from night after night, yes, even after 10 years, there are still nightmares.
As the years passed I was finally able to check off feeling safe as my #1 goal. The safer I felt with this man, the more I shared. Sharing was hard for me at first as anything I had shared in the past was always thrown back in my face.
I remember being years into our relationship and wanting to run away when we had our first argument, great loves argue, it is human nature. I cried, went for a walk and realized that I didn’t want to be anywhere else. We talked, said I am sorry and moved on. That is life, challenges that you work through.
Give yourself the time you need, for me even some 10 years later I still struggle to remember that this man is not my abusive past, he did not hurt me, he did not cause any of the trauma I still live with today.
Instead, he is the man that has been here to comfort me, never judge me and let me share things I need to share without fear of judgment. It took time for me to finally accept that he loved me for me and that I could let my guard down.
So how do you let your guard down?
- First, you do it in your own time, little by little.
- You have to allow yourself to make mistakes, mistakes you can walk away from. No matter who you are with, you should be able to leave if and when you want to.
- You decide when you are ready to risk your heart again, but eventually, I pray that you do. It doesn’t mean he will be the one, but how will you ever know if you don’t try?
- Remember that you are stronger now than you were before. Just because you were abused before doesn’t mean it will happen again.
- Trust your gut! It is really up to you, when you see the initial signs run, don’t stay around to see if he will hurt you. This is when you listen to that gut and keep your guard up.
- Put yourself first, the rest will fall into place.
- Know for sure this is someone you want to really be with and not someone that convenient because you are settling or don’t want to be alone anymore.
I hope that this post has helped in some little way. I want everyone that has dealt with and recovered from abuse to find their mate, while we do not need someone in our life to make us happy, we all want someone to share our life with.
We all need companionship, but mostly we all need love, so when the time is right to let your guard down and remember, this man or woman should not pay the price for your past.
It is very important that you realize some of your issues may be your own, trust who you are with until they prove you wrong, do not assume they are like your past partners, that too can hurt the relationship. Until they show you differently, you must trust them.
Live the best life that you can, find ways to heal your heart and eventually let love back in. Go with your gut, it is there for a reason, to keep you safe.
