Living in the Moment after Domestic Violence – I finally realized why I struggled living in the moment

“Everyone agrees it’s important to live in the moment, but the problem is how,” says Ellen Langer, a psychologist at Harvard and author of Mindfulness. “When people are not in the moment, they’re not there to know that they’re not there.” Overriding the distraction reflex and awakening to the present takes intentionality and practice.

Do you struggle to live in the moment?

Are you safe and away from abuse but still struggle to stop and smell the flowers?

You are not alone, for many, myself included, letting your guard down and enjoying simple things can be a struggle after years of domestic violence. Most times you feel like you are doing everything that you can to avoid living in the moment by thinking about the past or thinking about what you are not doing or need to do for your future.

Definition of Living in the moment—also called mindfulness—is a state of active, open, intentional attention on the present. 

I am very aware that I struggle to stop and smell the flowers as the saying goes, “living in the moment.”  Tonight in a moment of inner reflection I realized why I struggle to live in the moment.  This sudden epiphany happened while doing one of my regular calming rituals which is taking a scalding hot bath to the glow of any resemblance of a candle, could be a fake one, real one, doesn’t matter, just the glow is what I am looking for.

Anyway, tonight I put the candle on the side of my tub, shut off the lights and stepped into my sanctuary of bubbles. I know I really need this me time when I have gone the extra mile and added some bubbles.  Just like the glow of the candle, as far as the bubbles I don’t care where they come from either, could be some shampoo, just something about the bubbles helps put my mind in that relaxing, stress-free place.

When I take a bath like this, I am totally living in the moment.

I have one of those minds that never stops thinking, so here I am, laying in my hot bath and thinking about how much I was really enjoying this moment as the hot water started to work on my tense muscles and the candle, darkroom, and bubbles started to work on relaxing my mind.

Of course, my brain was overthinking and I realized that other than the clarity of a hot bath like this, I struggled with being fully present and living in the moment, pretty much most days.

Then it hit me full force like a punch in the gut why I am this way, as a child I lived in abuse and was surviving moment to moment, and then later in my marriage, which was the most traumatic time of my life as I didn’t know what level of violence was in store for me today, I was again, surviving moment to moment. 

There were days I can still remember when I drove home from work sick to my stomach, wondering what I was about to come home to. I would often stop at a pay-phone (no cell phone then) and call the Domestic Violence Hotline. Sad to think that I had the number memorized in those days. I would just vent to the poor lady on the phone that I was terrified I would die today. She would beg me not to go home but I would thank her for letting me vent and I would hang up and head home.

Each time I entered my home I was living in the moment wondering, when I turned the knob was he going to come at me drunk or when I was washing the dishes later would I be struck from behind with a cast iron pan or turn to see an ax at my back.

Now, this was living in the moment!

I now wonder if because I had to live that way for the sake of my survival do I almost now struggle living in the moment.
Does this make sense to you?

I was so living in the fear of the moment for so long that now I wonder if because I had to live that way for the sake of my survival do I almost now struggle living in the moment. Does this make sense? Share on X

If I were fully living in the moment now, they are great happy moments. I have been safe physically for many years.  I have a loving man that was meant for me, a great family, health, food (fell in love with a man that loves to cook and is amazing – put that on your list of must-haves) and a roof over our head and dreams of an amazing future.

Out of everything on that list, feeling safe and being able to sleep without fear of the monster in the closet means more than anything.

The reason that I wanted to share my inner struggle with living in the moment isn’t to hear, “poor me,” but to help you understand why you too may struggle with living in the moment once you are free from abuse. I know I can’t be the only one to struggle with this, you may not have suffered abuse but we all have reasons we struggle to enjoy the moment.

Even if you are out of the abuse and you are safe and not worried about being terrorized you may struggle to live in the moment. Especially the really good ones as you may fear they won’t last.

Please share if you still struggle to live in the moment or what you have done to overcome this. Just having this moment of clarity on why I struggle to live in the moment has helped me to be more fully present.  Like they say, “you can’t change what you don’t know.”  I know this has been true for me.

How can you learn to live in the moment now? 

• Give your full focus on the task you are doing. Enjoy little things from doing the dishes to sitting in the sun for a few minutes.
• Learn to love and appreciate what you have learned to live in the moment.
• Be kind to yourself. Don’t try to be perfect. It will take time to really living in the moment.  If I can do this, so can you!
• It may sound silly but create morning rituals, this has really helped me – Check out this post: to be powerful and successful you must have a morning routine!

The biggest thing that has helped me is my morning ritual of enjoying my coffee in bed. I have learned to really appreciate that time and the taste of my coffee, I then pray and say what I am grateful for. During this time I really focus on my enjoyment of the moment.  Creating rituals to pull me into the moment as I enter a situation and being conscious of this has really helped me.

Click to read 19 Seconds of Conscious Breathing to relieve stress, anxiety, and depression.